In depth: 5 things we are worried the Mac Pro might do

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Apple has actually unveiled the brand-new ‘utmost’ Mac Pro and, well, nobody really knows exactly what to make of it. It’s black, shiny and cylindrical, and about a 8th the size of an existing Mac tower.

Basically it looks a little bit like a gothic thermos flask and, when fully opened to display its distressing range of Intel Xeon processors, actually appears like the Fatality Star. We are half awaiting it to silently click open in the dead of night and start gushing humanity-enslaving tentacles.

Here are five other, somewhat more sensible things we are stressed it could do:

1. Be out of our price range

Initial reports at WWDC 2013 suggest that the new Mac Pro might cost anywhere from $2,400 (around ₤ 1,530 or AU$ 2,500), with more powerful versions choosing upwards of an eye-watering $10,000 (₤ 6400 or AU$ 10,530, or thereabouts).

On one hand, we know we cannot manage to invest that much on a desktop. On the other hand, look exactly how glossy it is!

Apple is still mixing its feet over a release date, however we have heard the phrase ‘later on this year’, so we will anticipate it then if not later.

2. Trigger city-wide power blackouts

Despite the Mac Pro’s small stature – it stands 9.9-inches tall and 6.6-inches in diameter – it packs more than twice the power of an existing desktop Mac, boasting dual GPUs, ultrafast memory, PCI Express-based flash storage and Thunderbolt 2 ports that enable 20GBs of bandwidth per plugged-in gadget.

There are even planned versions with approximately 12 processing cores, probably to help with teens with bras on their go to call into being inexplicably chic women constructed of bits of the internet, a la Weird Science.

3. Outsmart (and ultimately enslave) us

Apple has actually packed the Mac Pro with flash memory – which is common in mobiles and tablets – to accelerate information transfer and processing time.

It’s so effective that it can even run infamously durable Pixar animations, which Apple showed in a co-presentation with Pixar at WWCD, showing off the Mac Pro’s AMD FirePro graphics and 4k UltraHD video support.

And we all know how that goes. Step 1: animate a heartbreakingly whimsical CGI movie (not Cars or Cars 2). Action 2: understand that human beings are squishy and pointless. Step 3: damage all people. Brr.

4. Fly

So Apple says that it’s made the brand-new Mac Pro cylindrical to draw heat up and away from the CPU and GPUs. It says it’s done away with traditional cooling fans and included one – larger and quieter – triangular fan at the bottom of the chassis to assault the trouble of overheating parts.

That’s what Apple says. What we suspect may be the case is that this configuration likewise allows the Mac Pro to levitate and, you know, shoot lasers out of the top and, possibly, ENSLAVE HUMANKIND. Yeah, Apple. We know your game. We’ve actually seen movies.

5. Be mistaken for a desktop shredder

Or a bin. Or a giant Rolo. If we should stumble into our office without our glasses on, or enough coffee in our systems. Seriously, just take a look at it.